How to listen to AC/DC without chipping points off your IQ

Posted: August 24, 2011 in Concert reviews, music, Record reviews
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s time for a wee bit of head-banging with today’s special guests, AC/DC. But before I tell you how to cope with these Australian wunderkinder, let’s deal with some of the more common reactions to their music. And people definitely react.

Former co-worker Karrie objects to AC/DC’s “misogynistic lyrics, badly rhyming lyrics, and badly rhyming misogynistic lyrics.”

Former co-worker Curt compares AC/DC to “an expensive, exotic cheese…smells horrid, leaves a bad taste in your mouth, but when paired with the proper wine and foods…it’s exquisite.”

Current wife Special D opines, “They’re really annoying if you’re not drunk.”

Critics: All their songs sound the same!!

Though I enjoy a big blast of AC/DC, I can’t refute these charges. (I never found out what former co-worker Curt thought you could pair them with. Prozac?) However, I believe that AC/DC is the one butt-kicking metal outfit you should listen to because, in today’s time-starved environment, they are by far the most efficient. From Anthrax to White Snake, you’ll never find a band that rocks this hard with all of these strengths:

1) All their songs sound the same? Of course they do. Angus and Malcolm Young only know a couple of riffs. They can’t even get the artillery on “For Those About to Rock” to go off at the right time. But those riffs are good riffs!

2) Because everything sounds the same, you can forget 17 of their 18 albums of original material and just buy Back in Black.

3) Back in Black is the second-biggest selling album of all time. (Thriller is first.) No one will make fun of you for having the vinyl, the CD, the eight-track, or the cassette in your collection because they’ve already seen it in 50 million other collections.

4) If you’re stealing this stuff online, why are you reading this?

5) The album cover is black.

As for the lyrics: You’re listening to the lyrics? Don’t do that. If you do, you’ll quickly realize that the members of AC/DC face some serious hurdles in establishing mutually respectful and beneficial relationships with women. Unfortunately there’s no patch you can download to improve these guys. I’ve grown adept at hearing the words without hearing the meaning. It helps to concentrate on the really loopy declarations, as when Brian Johnson threatens us with…a bell, or when he claims he doesn’t need to be hosed down or that he’s caught “in the middle of a railroad track.” Just step over one of the rails, Brian, you’ll free yourself in a jiffy.

Can women enjoy AC/DC responsibly? In 2003, Special D and I saw an all-female AC/DC tribute band called Hell’s Belles. The guitarist could mimic the Youngs perfectly, and in honor of Bon “Bon is gone” Scott she wore Australian-flag underwear. The singer was a black Janis Joplin who had us thunderstruck from the moment she opened her mouth. The ensemble restricted themselves to the less misogynistic epics, never resorted to bagpipes or cannons, and they even replaced the gong that opens “Hell’s Bells” with a triangle.

The spectacle of a stage full of women playing the music of these sexist birdbrains, coupled with some serious skills, made for an experience that was probably better than seeing the real thing. I’m sure they smelled better, too.

Thank you, AC/DC, for shaking me all night long, or at least for the 36-minute running time of Back in Black. You guys will always rock. Stay away from my wife.


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