This blog is waking up. This blog is stirring. This blog just said, “Five more minutes.” This blog is snoring. This blog just threw the alarm across the room. This blog is staggering around like the Men Without Hats “Safety Dance” video, which has 18 million hits and 14,000 comments on YouTube even though the song was released in 1983 and was long ago certified stupid.
This blog wants to go viral in 2016!
I have done my homework. I’ve studied page views, impressions, sessions, users, earned media, in-kind media, and other words I can’t define. I’ve disrupted the classes and snoozed through the seminars. I’ve taken everything I’ve learned about how to become an Internet sensation and distilled it into the following list:
- Headlines with numbers outperform headlines without numbers. Done.
- Adding even one image to your post almost doubles your visibility online…especially when your subject is kittens. Done.
- Include links to time-wasting reportage about useless shit. Done.
- Longer posts are more popular than shorter. If writing long is wrong I don’t wanna be right.
- Female bylines go viral twice as often as male bylines. Problem area.
- Female writers writing about their dysfunctional sex lives exponentially increases likes, comments, and shares. Problem area.*
- Dig up your old content, shock it with electricity, and push it out the door. Done.
- Invoke awe, laughter, or amusement (1). Or invoke awe, anger, or anxiety (2). I’d rather invoke Thor because I really want to borrow Mjölner.
- Ten is the magic number for lists.
* The trifecta: A current or former Mrs. Trump writing about her dysfunctional sex life.
Thank you, loyal readers, for hanging in there with me. I hope your 2016 is off to a solid start with thousands of new Twitter followers you can retweet me to!
Here’s what I wrote about in 2015:
Women
Dionne Warwick, Roberta Flack, Chaka Khan, Tina Turner, Joan Armatrading
Men
Al Green, Bill Withers, Donny Hathaway, and Lou Rawls
Real men
Boys
Books
The two most popular blog topics: Sex and motherhood
Sex and motherhood: Still out of stock
Misc.
Still sacred after all these years
One does not simply walk into Mordor
Run-DMSteve 